4/29/2016 0 Comments #NAKEDME“There was this one week recently where everything fell into place for me. I just switched my mindset so I was focusing on the positives and myself and everything just came together. I got a new internship and I was working on a new blog collaboration, And it was just a lot of exciting things happening. It finally felt like I was doing something for myself." "I'm terrified of all dogs. I'm just not really good with animals at all and I hate that, Because animals are such a cute part of this world, But I just can't help it when dogs are coming at me or if I'm close to one, it puts me in such a vulnerable position. I start to feel like I can't control myself in that situation and I act like such a baby, And the disconnection there makes me want to cry, Since I have no way of explaining what's happening to me. All I can say is 'I can't help it' and it's a psychological thing and it makes me feel weak. I don't understand it enough to help it.” “I'm honestly so ashamed of my stomach when I look at it, I've always had skinny limbs and stuff but every time I look down at my stomach, all I can think is it doesn't match the rest of my body. I gained the Freshman 15 and it was hard to deal with because I've stayed the same weight since middle school, And I barely saw it on myself until my pants started getting tighter. Part of this problem is with social media, but I also want it to be for myself. I want to look at myself and be comfortable with the body that I'm in. I've been working really hard on this and my mom is actually paying me to lose weight, Which I know sounds bad but she's basically protecting me, The money is just an incentive for keeping my body healthy. She helps me with what I eat and how much exercise I should have and portion sizes, And if anything it's helping our bond. It's not as horrible as it sounds, And since I've started this new lifestyle it puts me in such a better mood. I feel healthier and happier a lot of the time because I know I'm doing something to improve my lifestyle." “I’m proud of my go-getting attitude! I know what I want so I spend a lot of time working towards those goals, And a lot of the times I do what’s more important to me than others, And I'm glad I can do that. It complicates things sometimes, But you have to set your priorities straight You can't do everything and accomplish everything in the world.’ “I overcame my childhood cancer. I had ALL (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia) from when I was 3 to around 6 or 7. I would love to say a lot and be inspiring and encouraging, but i dont remember a lot of it, And I probably blocked out the rest. But honestly overcoming that was a defining moment not only for me but also for my parents. Once you beat something like that, it’s like getting a second chance at life, And that allows me to have such a positive outlook on life. It helps me want to see sunshine and rainbows more haha. I don't know, I just try not to be such a negative person because of that. Like why not use my second chance at life to be a positive ray of sunshine in people’s lives? A lot of people use being a cancer survivor as a way to get people to feel sorry for them, And I just don't want people to use this as a reason to pity me. A lot of people tell me things like 'I'm so glad you're still here with us,' But a lot of people don't understand we dont want people feeling bad for us. Cancer shouldn't be something that you show and get an advantage from. When I was writing my college essay I stayed away from that as much as possible because so many people write about that. You'll think they'll feel sorry for you and let you in out of pity. I want it to be viewed as an accomplishment." “I didn't always notice this, But I love my legs and how long they are. I didn't start liking them until people complimented them, But you don't always notice things about yourself until people are sweet about it, So we should go around giving people more compliments! People always point out how big my lips are too, But these are God-given things so I feel like I shouldn't take credit for them. "As for personality,
I like that I'm not confrontational. I don't like to fight with people, And if anything they are arguments with my mom and little sister, But I've only had like one or two big fights with friends. I don't like to be dramatic and call too much attention to myself. I guess I'm more of the problem solver in my friend groups. I try to be humble about things as much as possible.”
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4/27/2016 2 Comments #NAKEDME“When I was 16 my sister got pregnant, And I remember sitting on the couch jokingly telling her to have the baby right now, and she went into labor that day! I was so excited! I love children, I can't wait to have my own, and I want to work with children, And the fact that my sister was going to bring a baby to the house was amazing. She was in labor for so long and when she finally was allowed to have visitors, I couldn't go in because you had to be 18 and I was 16. But then my grandmother came down from seeing my nephew and slipped her wristband off and onto me, So I was the first of his aunts and uncles to hold him. I just adore my nephew, he’s so smart and just so precious. The best feeling in the world is when I come back and he gives me the biggest hug and jumps into my arms. I babysit him a lot and we’ll just sit on the couch and cuddle. Those are probably the best moments.” “High school was hard. I was homeschooled until 8th grade. I loved my school and I had a lot of friends, but I was struggling with growing up, and moving to a normal school. Then around that time my sister got diagnosed with cancer and that started a spiral of hard times. She went through treatments and it was very difficult watching that, Right after she had finished her treatments my brother got diagnosed with the same type of cancer, And that was so tough to deal with because I come from a big family, so my mom had to take care of all of us. I didn't want to ask for a lot of attention because the rest of my siblings and parents were busy, But it could feel like I was being ignored and looked past." “I'm Catholic and I was raised Catholic, And I was also raised abstinent and as I got older it was something that I kept, And I still want to remain abstinent. But whenever it comes up in conversation, I feel naked. I am very straightforward but I get mixed reactions from people. Some are supportive but others treat me differently because of it. Some think I'm going to judge them because they're not abstinent, Others think it's a childish thing to not have sex when you get older, And they'll say to me 'Oh that's so sweet, I was going to do that too but then..." And it implies that it's not something that lasts. It's just hard when people tell you that you're not going to be able to follow through on something." “In my hometown we have the oldest community circus in the world, And I joined it when I was 8 years old and I continued it all throughout high school. I started out basic with the little tumbling girl act that gets you integrated, Then I decided to go into unicyicling and juggling. One year I moved up to intermediate unicycling class and I started helping out with beginning class. When I was 16 I showed up for class and my trainer pulls me aside. I thought I was in trouble and she goes, 'We’re looking for a new beginning unicycle trainer,' and they offered me the job! I always loved helping out and helping people grow and achieve their goals, But I couldn't believe that they saw that in me. I accepted and that was a defining moemnt because it showed me what I was capable of. I ended up teaching beginning unicyicling for 3 years and it helped me build my confidence. The circus made me who I am today." “I love my ability to look at things from multiple perspectives. Obviously I'm not perfect, But when someone bugs me, I strive really hard to take a step back, And recognize that I don't know what they're going through and that I've probably done the same thing. Everyone is going through their own journey and I need to focus on myself and not them.” “I'm very harsh on myself. I have a lot of friends who come up and tell me they love me so much...friends do that. But many times I struggle to see what people see in me and what is it about me that keeps them coming back. There are days when I look at myself and I'll think 'Am I extraordinary in any way?' This happened a lot in high school because all of my siblings are so smart, And I've watched them go through so much, and they are just my idols. I come from a small city and a lot of people knew my siblings and would say, 'Oh your brother did this' and 'Your sister did this' and 'Your dad did this,' And it felt like I was always defined as somebody's sister or somebody's daughter, So I try really hard to distinguish myself from others and be my own person." "I am terrified of bugs, spiders especially.
I’ve had to call people in to kill bugs for me. Im also afraid of heights. I love looking at them but I’ll get to the cliff and be trembling. On a deeper level, I think the thing I'm most afraid of is to get really close to someone on an emotional level. I'm afraid of giving a person my emotions, That connection when you open yourself up is so vulnerable. It's hard knowing who you can trust with those feelings and I hate putting my feelings onto others, Because I feel like I'm burdening them. I'd rather they come to me. I know relationships have to be give and take, But it's hard for me to tell people what I'm going through. I have to remind myself that it won't give them power over me and that they’re not going to look down on me for struggling.” 4/18/2016 0 Comments #NAKEDME“I keep pressuring my boyfriend to come to formal because we never see each other, Like it’s been almost 6 months. So he finally said yes (and he’s in the Navy) and I was just super stoked about that. I’ve been wanting to go to the San Diego Zoo for so long. They have the sun bear there, which is my favorite bear, And I just found out they have free military tickets so I want to do that. I"ll have my perfect day at the zoo.” “I’ve been very worried about my dad because he keeps having back surgeries and he has Parkinson’s Disease, I just can’t imagine what I'd do without my dad or both of my parents. I don't know if this is normal but I call my parents 3-4 times a day. I just love checking in with them if I have a major accomplishment, Like I got an A on a Japanese test today. I update all the time and they’re always the one who has to go. I just get so sad when I realize that they’re not immortal." “Whenever I get upset at someone I find it's usually because I’ve misread them. I'll think that they don't like me so I’ll vent to my best friend and it’s really funny because whenever I do that, The universe slaps my wrist. Then that person will be so nice to me the next week and I'll look like a huge bitch. So a big thing for me is to not judge people right away. I get very snappy sometimes, if I'm like 'Why didn't she smile at me? She must be an evil person.'” “My biggest insecurity is my skin. I used to have terrible acne in high school and I took this thing called Accutane, But it's very dangerous like it’s been banned and put back on the market, but my dermatologist still recommended it. So now I just have normal person acne, But because of that I always wear makeup and whenever I'm without it I feel naked, Except around my boyfriend...he loves it when i dont wear makeup. I don't freak out as much about it, but I'm still thinking about it all the time. I'm always trying to get my skin smoother and clearer.” "Today marks my 4th week of my booty workout program. It’s inspired half by my boyfriend because he has an amazing perky butt made of steel, But also by Katya Elise Henry who is just my #fitnessgoals. I'm honestly trying to gain weight and get more curvy. Now that I'm 20 I want to have a more mature look and be healthier. I honestly want a bigger butt because I like butts, But I also want to be more energetic because I'm always so lethargic, I get tired so easily. I had anemia in high school, And I also fractured my hip from running track senior year. I always try working out for a day or two but then end up quitting, But now I stick to a strict weekly schedule and I love it. I like weights a lot better. I’ve conquered my fear of lifting by all these Chapman boys and they’re not scary anymore." “I fear my parents not seeing a book before I publish it. So that's why I am trying my best and taking my novel manuscript very seriously, Because I just really want to be published. That’s been my dream since I was a little girl.” “I dislike my shyness. It sounds so lame because I know it's something that you just need to get over, And I do my best, But I'm very hestitant in dancing weirdly in front of others and stuff like that. I always look at girls who do silly shenanigans in front of people like put a cone on their head and wiggle around, And I want to be that type of person. I was like that in highschool because it was only 33 people and we'd known each other for 7 years, But at Chapman unless I've known someone since freshman year, I'll be very hesitant. So I've been trying really hard to speak up. I think my voice is soft or something, Like people don't always respond, but I try to open my eyes and look attentive. I try hard to be a social butterfly.” I’ve been really proud of this novel I’ve been writing.
It’s about teenage demons in OC. It’s like Twilight but maybe more of a Clueless/Seth Rogen hybrid voice or that’s how I hope it sounds. I ditch writing projects a lot if it’s out of free will. We have to write 8,000 words and it’s for a class and I want 50,000 words by August. I want to submit my manuscript to swoonreads.com, which is a community of writers that sends in manuscripts. They rate it and the top manuscripts get published. But I'm also just having a lot of fun with it...like it’s ridiculous! And I'm getting more in tune with my writing because that’s what I want to do as a career." 4/17/2016 3 Comments #NAKEDME“The friday before my 19th birthday I was studying super hard for an O-Chem exam. I was planning on spending my birthday sleeping and watching Netflix and enjoying the fact that my exam was over, But then my roommate calls out my name and says I have a package at the door and have to sign for it. And then there’s my mom and my sister and my aunt! None of them were replying to my texts and I was stressing out cause they were all ignoring me, But then they showed up at my door and it was such a relief and such a good birthday present.” “I’ve told guys before about losing my dad and how for a period of time it made me insecure and upset, And I didn’t know how to process my emotions, I didn’t want to be taken advantage of. They would find a way to comfort me and make it feel like they understood what I was going through, And then they would still end up taking advantage of me. That’s probably as emotionally exposed as I get. It’s really hard when you think someone’s listening to you but there’s only one thing on their minds, And they really don’t care about your feelings at all.” “I'm proud of the scar down my spine because it reminds myself and everyone around me what I went through, And it’s a good conversation starter. A lot of people try to cover their scars and I was given a lot of creams to get rid of mine, But I honestly wish it was more noticeable because it was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. When I got home from the hospital I went completely off my pain meds cold turkey. I was supposed to be taking Oxycodone and I wouldn’t even take Advil and I think I blocked out a lot of the memories of the pain. Whenever I see my scar I think of what I went through and how it hasn’t stopped me from doing anything. I can still do everything I did before. It reminds me that I can really survive anything.” “I love my intensity. There’s very few things that I will put in less than 100% for, Whether it’s a small assignment or a meaningless water polo game. My intensity is like… all the way.” “When I was 12 I swam the channel from Lanai to Maui with the stomach flu. That’s a pretty good measure of my competitiveness, my intensity, and my perseverance. I was not gonna let a stomach flu get in the way of this.” “I’m ashamed of the random hookups that I’ve had. Just because I always try to encourage self-respect and things like that, When I think about them most of the hookups were a result of me seeking approval, or being vulnerable, Or finding a way to mask any pain that I was going through. Sometimes I think it goes back to the rejection thing where I wouldn't say no because I thought that I had to. Like if I said no, I wouldn’t see them again.” “I hate my indecisiveness. I feel like it's a result of being such a perfectionist and the fact that i don’t like to fail, But it makes it so that I blow up every little decision in my life way too big. I have to remind myself that not everything has to be perfect and there’s not always just one right answer. You can have a good outcome through a variety of different ways.” "My biggest fear is probably rejection. I always consider myself quite an independent person and I tend to isolate myself in certain situations I've just convinced myself a lot of times that even when people invite me to things that they don’t actually want me there, So I’m afraid to put myself out there cause I’m afraid to be rejected by people. It’s sometimes easier to be alone and to not get hurt.” “When I lost my dad it felt like my heart was sliced open.
It's hard for a lot of people to talk to me about it and there are times I start crying about it for no reason, But it doesn’t still hurt me, Hence the stitches. There are so many good things in my life that show me that my life did not end when I lost my dad, And my heart is still beating because of all the good things in my life.” 4/12/2016 2 Comments #NAKEDME“I feel happy when I’m driving with my friends with the windows down and music blasting. Or shopping at target cause we’ll get in the cart and push each other around the store and it’s awesome.” “I’m afraid of not pushing myself to my full potential. A big fear is that I’m capable of doing so much but I’m afraid I’ll hold myself back and not be able to do everything I want to do. So that…and spiders.” "Going to college for the first time I felt very naked because I had no support system. I felt like I needed to have something that other people had and like I was lacking something essential. I was afraid and exposed. I felt like everyone could see that I was terrified on the inside and that I didn’t know what I was doing.” “I think I have a great spunk for life. I’m proud of how I take happiness in little moments and even when I’m sad I try to have that happiness, And it pushes me to not only challenge myself but to partake and not miss out on life.” “I’m ashamed of my weaknesses. I feel like by this point I should be focusing on making them strengths and dealing with them. I’m ashamed when I have a weak moment in my life.” “If an inner scar of mine was visible to others, it would in the center of my sternum and it would be a chaotic zigzag, Like it would look like I’m split down the middle. The same thing happens a lot of times in my life, especially in the fall: I lose sight of myself and feel scattered and not whole in some way and that’s always something to deal with. But it would be a scar because I’m always able to put myslf back together. I grow from the experience.” “Living in California last summer was amazing. It allowed me to meet the people I’m close with now and they’ve helped me to find myself And discover who I want to be and what kind of life I want to have. It taught me about true independence cause I had to work two jobs. I now know how to find that inner strength to do what I have to do when it’s just me.” “I dislike my tendency to overthink. It causes me to not be in the moment and I don’t put my all into it when I overthink."
4/10/2016 4 Comments #NAKEDME“I’ve always been a part of a big group of friends especially in middle and high school. We were the girls that had sleepovers and were best friends. I'm still close friends with two of the girls that I’ve known since middle school, But in 11th grade we got into a little issue and they weren’t talking to me for a couple of weeks. Still, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Of course I loved them and missed them but being alone was not terrible and I realized that I was my own best friend, And no matter what the situation was, I could be okay wherever and whoemever I was with. I just watched a lot of Supernatural I watched all 9 seasons, missed a couple of school dances, and hung out with my parents a lot. I think it was then that I realized that I really enjoy my own company.” “I generally try not to hold back what I’m thinking or that sort of thing. I don’t like feeling as if you can’t say hi to an ex. I don’t feel like you should have to feel weird around someone you used to care about, And ideally still care about in some shape or form. I hate feeling like I have to hold back around people cause I’m not as close to them anymore.” “Last semester I took a nonfiction writing class and you had to write about things that really happened and you’re supposed to use real names, And I wrote about one of my childhood friends for one of my pieces and then a bunch of people read it. And you sit in a room with those people and they talk about it and that’s a really weird experience, Because the writers talk about you as a character and the character’s motives and what they took from it, And you have to be quiet and just listen. That was a really interesting experience and I definitely felt naked.” “It was really sad for me when my dog died. It was over the summer and I was at Laguna with some friends and I didn’t have a car. She had been in a fight with another dog and she was a Shitzu so it was silly cause she's so small and she was barking up the wrong tree. But it was just really sad cause we had to call everybody and it was weird cause I didn’t want to be a bummer. I didn’t have any cellphone service so I had to use the home phone to call everyone, And I was stuck there with them for the next day So anytime I felt like I was gonna cry I just went to the parking lot to hide. I think it was Lemony Snicker who said, 'It is noble to help someone who is crying but sometimes it is nobler to pretend that you don’t see them crying.' I had to be like, 'Aha yeah we’re having such a fun time,' But yeah it was not that great." “For a lot of my early life I was kind of like labeled as ‘the weird kid.’ I feel like that’s everyone’s story haha But this kid Nicholas Grodsky told me in middle school that all the boys from our school got together and agreed that I was the weirdest girl in the school. And everyone said that people called them weird as a kid but I was named #1 weird girl so I guess that’s just like a scar in itself, That I never really got along with bigger groups of people or the ‘cool kids.' They didn’t really like me. They weren’t mean to me or anything. You want to be one of the kids that are liked, but I got over that in my own way and I was friends with other weird kids so that was all good. I dealt with it." “Sometimes I forgive people when I shouldn’t and I don’t when I should, And that’s not something that I’m proud of because in those situations you can know this is something I should get over, Or this something that I shouldn't. Like I shouldn’t go back to this person, But if you still feel a certain way like if I still feel angry, there’s not much I can do about it.” “I’ve never really been one to be afraid of things like bugs or heights,
But I used to be afraid of people. Now I try not to be because I don’t think anyone should make you feel a way you don’t want to feel. My biggest fear would be a zombie apocalypse because that would be the biggest bummer. You would have to deal with the fact that the government has fallen and everyone is dead (depending on what type of apocalypse it is). Maybe it’s a biting situation, Or you have to deal with the people you love turning into these monsters or them trying to eat you... So zombies." 4/10/2016 0 Comments #NAKEDME“One really sad moment for me was when I had just moved from my old Wisconsin home to Maui. I woke up one morning and realized that I had just left everything that I knew: All my friends and all my belongings and everything that I had comfort in. I just started bawling and I wasn’t really hopeful for the future. It almost felt like we had made a mistake moving from something so secure to something so unknown." “When I finally told the guy that I liked for two years how I felt about him, I was so vulnerable because I was putting myself out there. But I knew it was something I had to do. It was a scary moment, but it was also a very courageous and defining moment in my life. So I don’t look at it in a negative light. It was more of an exposure that I have the strength to put myself out there even in the face of possible rejection.” “I'm ashamed of my feelings sometimes. My whole life I’ve been taught to keep my feelings to myself, which is why I come off as being such an easygoing person whose usually pretty emotionally intact. It's just because I’m very good at surpressing my emotions. My whole life I’ve always been the person that people would go to to voice their problems. I had to be strong for them and I think that taught me that vocalizing my emotions is a weakness. I don’t want my life to be a burden on anybody else. I try to cause the least amount of inconvenience to others as I can, and maybe I feel like my problems aren’t as big as the problems of other people, So I just keep them to myself. I don’t want to burden people with my life.” “I have these pretty blue eyes. I love them so much because nobody in my family has blue eyes, so it’s something that has made me unique. I like the idea of being special and different. Eyes can tell a lot about a person. I feel like I can see the emotions that people wouldn’t normally voice in their eyes. Hopefully they can see a bit of the emotions that I try so hard to suppress in mine.” “I always struggle with my stomach. It’s this little insecurity. I always want to feel like I'm skinny and for me it’s like a healthy and strong thing and if I have a bit of what I think is fat, I think I have to eat better or exercise more. I struggled with an eating disorder in high school. Not that it's as bad as it was before but the thoughts come back that my worth is defined by how skinny I am or what I eat, And those lies come back especially in high stress situations or when I don’t feel loved. My stomach has always been something that I’ve tried to hide." “My greatest fear is to be insignificant. I want my life to have a greater meaning.
I want to know that I'm making a difference; I want to know that I am treasured and valued so my greatest fear is that I'm worthless in some way, Or that I'm not living up to be the person that I'm actually meant to be, Which is why I like to be productive with my time because it stops my fear in the moment. But obviously I cant 't busy 100% of the time so I’ve been learning how to rest. My true identity doesn’t come from what I do but rather from my relationship with the Lord. He's been allowing me to have restful times with Him that are more fulfilling to my spirit than any other ‘productive time’ I could have.” I'm starting a new project in which I conduct interviews and ask people to show a side of themselves that they normally wouldn't expose to a stranger. We put up walls and we don on masks and act polite and engage in small talk, never really getting to know the real core of each other. The point of this project is to put away fears of judgment and to be vulnerable and naked in front of each other. It takes guts but it's worth it to re-introduce ourselves to each other and to the world. “I felt really naked when I invested a year of my time and love to a guy and exposed all of my deepest secrets, fears, and insecurities to him. The day after Valentine’s Day he cheated on me with two women knowing all of the things that make me feel insecure and in that moment I just felt naked. I have a hard time trusting men to begin with and when you finally open up to someone and get completely fucked over... It’s a pretty shitty feeling." “I’m really insecure about my personality and maybe how outgoing I am sometimes. I feel like people think I can come off too strong I don’t know. I’m insecure about a lot of things. Like how I look. I notice every little bit of fat on my body that other people wouldn’t notice. I don’t trust people easily and that makes me come off as shallow, I don’t really let people in and I look like I don’t care about a lot of things because I try to come off like that And I try to be a chill person by just brushing things off." "I hate my thighs and the bottom of my stomach” "I’m proud of my ability to socialize. I feel like I can talk to people pretty well and often times people think I have a lot of friends.” "I’m ashamed of my failures. Like in terms of a lot of things. Like my failures to reach goals that I set for myself. I put in the time and the work and I try to get something but I still don’t get it so that definitely makes me feel super incapable” “I always think of this one time that I was playing volleyball at my first mainland tournament and my coach approached me during warmups. He told me to shag balls because I was wasting everyone’s time because there were people going places and let’s just face it, I wasn’t.
Then years later I kept playing volleyball and all my coaches would play me as an outside hitter, And eventually I got invited to tournaments and recruited to schools. Then in one of my games, my old coach came back and watched me play and he told me “Great Job" and that I had come so far. I always think about the day he told me I couldn’t do it and I did. I always remember that when I’m feeling incapable. That was literally a major turning point for me. It was a true determinant of my character.” 4/4/2016 0 Comments Star-Crossed Lovers20 loaded guns
Politely sitting Boy girl boy Girl in a cheap blue box That eagerly boasts its American association I am proud of my country The media loves a martyr The store is out of red paint It seems I have found the ending to my story 4/4/2016 0 Comments RoundCircular Globes of the same old shit Over and over Again Under the bridge, A bloody maroon jacket Stains the reputation Of a good girl The still-wet coffee stain Drips down an anonymous arm Pages in a yellow book rustle
Like the leaves used to I think of how some things change The reverberating bass In this underground club Assemble into a stingy bouncer I pound you out of my head To a beat of Bum Da Ba-bum Da-da |