1/31/2016 1 Comment Looking Back on JanuaryThe first month of the year. The time that New Year's resolutions reign and gyms are overpopulated. Being the productive and self-motivational person that I am, I welcome the idea of improving myself and taking on new challenges with open arms. I like to think of my mind, body, and spirit as machines that I must continue to oil and clean regularly. Last year, my New Year's resolution was not to touch lips (or any other body parts) with a boy until he took me on a date. It was easy to remember...but not easy to accommodate. Trapped in the college hookup culture where most of the boys who talk to you are located at crowded house parties, it was hard to find anyone who was willing to take the time to learn more than my first name. This year, I decided to try something even easier. I decided to floss. I know this sounds pretty ridiculous, but I would bet that most people (dentists and their children excluded) floss on an average of 5-10 times a year...or maybe even less! Looking back at this past month, choosing to make a conscious effort to floss every night was a good decision. Granted, that could be difficult when I arrived back from a party at 3 in the morning and couldn't walk straight, let alone find a box of floss on my bathroom counter. But I did well, and hopefully will continue to do so for these next 11 months. January has been a period of growth, transition, and a fuckload of confusion. I got my first tattoo and was privileged enough to deal with the paparazzi (good and bad) that came with that. I took a Junior-level course (note: I am NOT a junior), which planted me on my ass and demanded 12 pages on the hegemony of White Savior Teacher Films as portrayed in the media. During this month, I struggled/am struggling with finances as I got accepted into a study abroad program (YAY!) which happens to be located in one of the most expensive cities in the world (not yay). I was also working 5 days a week, racking up almost 20 hours a week, which forced me to spend most of my nights detoxing on Netflix instead of spending time with friends. If that wasn't enough stress, I was "playing the field" AKA exploring those tasty fish in the sea. I am not one for flings or casual dating, never have been. That being said, I had been overtaken by a wave of "fuck it" inspired by watching Jim Carey's movie Yes Man. I wanted to live life and take in all the opportunities offered to me, even if some of those opportunities had extremely hairy legs and patted me on the head like a dog. I was losing myself. Caught up in the hustle and bustle of school, work, and a social life, spending most days working my ass off, Friday nights drinking to reward myself, and Saturdays and Sundays feeling the after effects of what seemed to be fun earlier. I was mad at myself. What was I doing with my life? Where was my future headed? Was I making this year any better than the last? "New Year, New Me" did not seem to be that applicable to my life. I couldn't write. The words wouldn't come to me, as if they were punishing me for all the bad things I had done recently. I couldn't find the energy to read or cook or do the things that had made me proud of myself in the earlier months. I didn't recognize myself. I talked to friends, desperately asking them for prayer and guidance as my feet were tired of walking on broken ground. Then slowly (VERY slowly), life rushed back into me, like the blood rushing into a girl's cheeks when she sees her crush. My parents endured long phone calls with me, encouraging me and loving me from miles away. My friends stayed in with me and we spent hours talking and discussing the people we used to be and if those people were that different from the people we are now. God brought me back to church, leading me into leadership positions in bible studies and prayer teams. I felt like I was waking up from a month-long slumber. I was coming back to life. So these 29 days have been full and empty, easy and hard, motivational and lazy. They were spent flossing and drinking, eating dull cafeteria food and playing games with passive-aggressive ex-boyfriends. These 29 days happened, although I wish some of them didn't, and although I wish I could constantly replay some in my head with a battery that would never die. This month taught me a lot about myself and reaffirmed that old saying that we all have good and evil in us and that we're bound to screw up and do the wrong thing sometimes. But I also learned that punishing myself for my mistakes is as unproductive as making those mistakes. And so I go into February loving myself, flaws and all.
1 Comment
1/21/2016 0 Comments Thoughts About You: Part IV"Sinner" Thrusting and breathing to A rhythm we've come across accidentally Our eyes almost look the same In this light But you're baby blue And I am muddy water you're afraid to step in "Teacher's Pet" You are a speedy snail Quickly inching your way into my heart Munching and Crunching Delicately on the pulsing ruby apple I've put on display I always did have my favorites I believe that everything happens for a reason
So God can you please tell me Why lovers are teeth that fall out only to be replaced? And why we can’t seem to ever earn a peek at the answers at the back of the textbook? Can you explain why bad things happen? Or why we all see things differently? Why does colorblindness exist? Why do good people do bad things? Why do the words “I love you” feel like a burden and a blessing at the same time? God I’m begging for answers Because I’m a teacher who always feels like a student when it comes to you I always find myself yelling out these questions in empty hallways I am sending out legions of letters that always get the same response: “Return to Sender” Breakups are hard. They usually involve throwing away oversized flannels, deleting all screenshots of times he told you he loved you, etc. etc. Still with enough time, being the adults (we try to convince ourselves) we are, both people are usually able to reconnect in some way. Depending on the relationship and the people, this can look very different. For some, they are able to put aside their past and move on as friends. For others, it is monumental to be able to even acknowledge each other while passing by at the movie theatre. But breakups are HARD. How can you tell when it's okay to start texting your ex again or if you should probably keep him off your Snapchat for another month or so? Sometimes I wish there was a timetable that calculated when it would be safe for you to rekindle your friendship with an ex-lover based on things such as: duration of relationship, present emotional stability, etc. etc. Because talking to an ex can sometimes be great. After time spent away from him, it can be nice to reconnect and experience the good parts of this person without any obligation to deal with the bad. But talking to an ex can also bring back old feelings and can lead to regrettable kisses and thoughts of "still too soon." I've come to the decision that these situations must be dealt with in a case-by-case way. I mean, I would be quite surprised if someone treated the guy who cheated on her the same way as the person she just lost feelings with. It's important to remember that relationships at their core are really just friendships with an addition of physical attraction (or the good ones at least). For many, exes were friends before relationships and it might be possible, and worthwhile, to make the effort to try and regain that friendship. Breakups are hard, but they are usually hard for both people. In these tough circumstances, it's important to check in with yourself and see where you are emotionally. Take your time and stroll through your breakup, gazing upon the memories, the feelings, and the thoughts that occupy you. Take them all in and accept them as yours. Eventually, you'll realize that this breakup was just a chapter in your book and the choice to let this character wander back into your life is all yours.
|