6/29/2016 0 Comments #NAKEDME“When I was around fourteen or fifteen, my grandma on my mom’s side passed away, And I remember after hearing the news that I was very unphased, Like everyone was sad; I sensed it...it was a heaviness, But I just accepted that she's gone. When it came time for her funeral, I was asked to give a speech in memory of her and talk about all the things that I’ve shared with her. And I remember walking up to that podium and I couldn’t utter a single word. I just broke down in tears. I couldn’t say anything. Everything was just so overwhelming that I was finally able to let out all the sadness and the impact of what had actually happened. I cried, like raw dry heaving, Just that choking that you get when you’re sobbing and you can't breathe, And it was just that for a good ten to fifteen minutes in front of everyone. I couldn't move either. I tried so many times to get part of my speech out, but I couldn't even say the first sentence. My dad finally came up and pulled me to the side so the next person could speak.” “During my typography class I was having a really tough time figuring out how to do this project, Which was basically explaining an oxymoron through typography and design. My oxymoron was ‘virtual reality’ and it took about two weeks and several rough drafts for me to complete, Most of the time not knowing whether or not I could pull off my idea and if it would work. I managed to create something that I think was a significant milestone in my design career." “I am ashamed of how quickly I get … I don’t know what the right word is, but I guess frustrated or angry, Just really genuinely and unreasonably pissed off at people if I’m tired. There’s been several occasions where I wake up from a nap and I’m unreasonably grouchy, And I get that I’ve just woken up and I can’t handle a lot of information cause i’m groggy, But it's not a reasonable excuse to be that aggressive towards other people. It just happens so often." “When I present something that I've made or created I feel extremely naked and vulnerable. In my arts & christianity class, we had to do an exercise where we had to bring in a piece of music that symbolized creative expression, And the song I chose was ‘Ocean Floors’ by Headphone Activist. It ended up basically being me standing up in a room full of twenty people, Watching them as I played my song. And it was so vulnerable. I was just nervously smiling and trying to look anywhere, except at the people who were listening intently. I kinda just wanted to hide.” “I guess one of my fears is not living up to my expectations of myself. Just not being exactly who I want to be or just failing in general. That’s a big fear of mine. Cause not only am I disappointed in myself, But I’m also disappointing others who put a lot of faith in me.” “I’m so proud of my legs. They are a source of strength that I have developed throughout my life, By moving around and exploring and dancing. And it’s my legs that carry me throughout my life and I’m really proud of where they’ve taken me, And all the shit that we’ve been through together. It’s my legs that have helped me to arrive where I am today, And it’s my legs that will continue to push me forward no matter where I go.” “Part of me loves how attached I get to people, And that sounds bad, But what I mean is that once I start getting to know someone, I really get inspired by who they are and what they do. I find things about that person that really provoke me to become a better human being, which can mean so many different things. I guess i just love that with each encounter that I have with different people, I'm able to experience something that makes me feel like I'm real, And makes me feel all kinds of emotions. And then I'm able to share that and grow from it, because of how attached I have become to that person. For example, there was this girl who I didn't exactly get along with in the beginning. We started talking more and getting to know each other, And I'm still not sure whether or not I would call her my friend, But I'm glad that I was able to develop this interest in her and how she thinks and what kinds of passions she has. Now I can say to her, 'Thank you for sharing a part of who you are with me.'” “I'm really insecure about playing piano in front of people. I'm not Mozart or Chopin, But I've been practicing for a good four years, And whenever my family or even close friends would ask to hear, I would be very adamant and I would just refuse them. I guess it's more of a confidence thing. I didn't want to play something for them that I thought was so elementary compared to what I hear other people play. I'd be playing some version of 'My Bonnie' instead of something that could evoke emotion. I just get so embarassed and insecure about showing something that I'm not 100% confident in or sure of." “Most people don’t know that I'm adopted.
And it’s not that I'm ashamed to be adopted. I'm quite thankful for the life that my birth parents gave to me by putting me up for adoption. I didn't understand the gravity of the situation when I was adopted, And I ended up hurting some feelings when I was little, But now that I'm an adult, I understand what it means to be adopted and what it means to be an adopted child living in Hawaii: That's a fated privilege I guess. Out of all of the possibilities of how my life could have turned out, It turned out to be a very fortunate and blessed one.”
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6/27/2016 0 Comments adulting is hardEveryone jokes about "adulting," which seems to be a term that attempts to describe the rocky pathway from teen years to the real world. This adulting phase basically takes your seatbelt off and throws you into an unfamiliar universe with a not-so-comforting affirmation of "you'll be okay" and maybe even "it's just a part of growing up." People in our generation are characterized as arrogant, self-righteous, and especially lazy, and it seems that when it comes to "adulting," we accept these insulting stereotypes and give up in a sense. Yes, adulting is hard, but part of the battle is the preconception that it's going to be hard. Anticipation is KILLER and part of our issue with becoming adults is that we expect it to be difficult and expect ourselves to be overwhelmed. While it's important to be humble and know our limits, it's also important to know that things like making our own doctor's appointments or googling how to ship a car to your new apartment won't kill you. In fact, none of these one adulting challenges will. Will it be difficult to motivate yourself to assemble a sort-of salad the night before work when you could be spending it gaping over the last episode of Jessica Jones? HELL YES. But it's not impossible and it won't kill you to do it. As I get older, I can trick myself into believing that I have no free time, that all I do is work, and that the summer is disappearing before my eyes with nothing being accomplished besides 5 lesson plans a week. Again, mindset is everything. A big part of adulting is remembering to be a child. Growing up makes me think of getting taller, bigger, stronger, and smarter & how could you possibly do that by throwing away the lessons & games you learned as a child? At the end of the day, what matters is effort. This can be so hard for many of us, who are so preoccupied with presenting ourselves to the world as hardworking individuals, trying to find enough value in ourselves through tiring work so that we can get some sort of affirmation from our parents and society that we're doing okay and doing what we're supposed to be doing. But that pressure to get all As, to do IB, to join every club, to lose 10 pounds, to have a boyfriend, to work year round, etc. etc., many times comes from ourselves instead of others. I work with kindergarteners ages five to six and usually have to look after 20-28 by myself for a full day. I've never done this before. I'm not a superhero. Children are notorious for being unable to sit down, cut their own construction paper, or walk to the bathroom by themselves. I am starting to learn that no matter how much planning, prepping, and praying I do, I will never be perfect and neither will my kids. It's the effort that counts. And I am trying to remind myself that I've never had a full-time job before and there are so many things that I am doing for the first time as an adult. Yes, adulting is tough, but so is my skin, and I think that realization by itself will save me.
6/23/2016 0 Comments angry poetry is cathartic6.19.16
you laughed when i complained about assholes not using their blinkers and yet, you swerved into my life with no warning, recklessly disregarding stop signs & bloody red lights some role model you are -af 6/23/2016 0 Comments new poem up!we’ve known each other for so long that when you touch me,
the goosebumps on my arms wake up like they’re saying hello to an old friend. it’s like going to you is a regular doctor’s appointment where you shoot me up with your kisses & i transform from mr jekyll to dr. hyde my friends and parents notice they ask me if i’m high again. do you want to know something funny? my mom thinks you’re out of my league i think you can fly & i can lift a car over my head (leagues don’t exist) you are > than a friend to me & i don’t want you to worry about what i said about jumping from his arms to yours it’s not like that it’s not like that (& this is not a lie i’m telling myself) i know you’re leaving but i know you won’t forget me because the times i slapped you with a goodbye and tried to heal it with a HJ are still glued in your memory just like they are in mine Here is what i think of you: Five “good morning beautiful” texts Ten wet muddy slimy fingers The same ten fingers drawing roads in my hair Three “is this okay”s Two knocks on a door One arm wrapped around my shoulder One drive to a dream house in the night One beach-bleached head; one ambiguous mess of waves One night that pulled me in; one kiss that drove me deeper One boy; one girl, just the Two (of us.) Tell me, Do you still want me? |