4/17/2016 3 Comments #NAKEDME“The friday before my 19th birthday I was studying super hard for an O-Chem exam. I was planning on spending my birthday sleeping and watching Netflix and enjoying the fact that my exam was over, But then my roommate calls out my name and says I have a package at the door and have to sign for it. And then there’s my mom and my sister and my aunt! None of them were replying to my texts and I was stressing out cause they were all ignoring me, But then they showed up at my door and it was such a relief and such a good birthday present.” “I’ve told guys before about losing my dad and how for a period of time it made me insecure and upset, And I didn’t know how to process my emotions, I didn’t want to be taken advantage of. They would find a way to comfort me and make it feel like they understood what I was going through, And then they would still end up taking advantage of me. That’s probably as emotionally exposed as I get. It’s really hard when you think someone’s listening to you but there’s only one thing on their minds, And they really don’t care about your feelings at all.” “I'm proud of the scar down my spine because it reminds myself and everyone around me what I went through, And it’s a good conversation starter. A lot of people try to cover their scars and I was given a lot of creams to get rid of mine, But I honestly wish it was more noticeable because it was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. When I got home from the hospital I went completely off my pain meds cold turkey. I was supposed to be taking Oxycodone and I wouldn’t even take Advil and I think I blocked out a lot of the memories of the pain. Whenever I see my scar I think of what I went through and how it hasn’t stopped me from doing anything. I can still do everything I did before. It reminds me that I can really survive anything.” “I love my intensity. There’s very few things that I will put in less than 100% for, Whether it’s a small assignment or a meaningless water polo game. My intensity is like… all the way.” “When I was 12 I swam the channel from Lanai to Maui with the stomach flu. That’s a pretty good measure of my competitiveness, my intensity, and my perseverance. I was not gonna let a stomach flu get in the way of this.” “I’m ashamed of the random hookups that I’ve had. Just because I always try to encourage self-respect and things like that, When I think about them most of the hookups were a result of me seeking approval, or being vulnerable, Or finding a way to mask any pain that I was going through. Sometimes I think it goes back to the rejection thing where I wouldn't say no because I thought that I had to. Like if I said no, I wouldn’t see them again.” “I hate my indecisiveness. I feel like it's a result of being such a perfectionist and the fact that i don’t like to fail, But it makes it so that I blow up every little decision in my life way too big. I have to remind myself that not everything has to be perfect and there’s not always just one right answer. You can have a good outcome through a variety of different ways.” "My biggest fear is probably rejection. I always consider myself quite an independent person and I tend to isolate myself in certain situations I've just convinced myself a lot of times that even when people invite me to things that they don’t actually want me there, So I’m afraid to put myself out there cause I’m afraid to be rejected by people. It’s sometimes easier to be alone and to not get hurt.” “When I lost my dad it felt like my heart was sliced open.
It's hard for a lot of people to talk to me about it and there are times I start crying about it for no reason, But it doesn’t still hurt me, Hence the stitches. There are so many good things in my life that show me that my life did not end when I lost my dad, And my heart is still beating because of all the good things in my life.”
3 Comments
Dana Newberry
4/17/2016 11:54:50 pm
Beautiful, Katie. Thank you for sharing. I love you. Dana
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Linda M Randall
4/22/2016 07:31:39 pm
Always Tho't you were a little aloof but now I understand you were just shy and afraid to be your true beautiful self,!!You're gutsy and have nothing to worry about...be happy and the heck with the rest!!!
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Tommy Randall
4/22/2016 10:50:05 pm
Not tooooooooooo much . Creepers out there. Just saying ,love ya .
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