8/16/2016 0 Comments hikes in Hawai'iToday my friend Starr and I decided to hike Ka'au Crater. The hike is technically closed due to being on private property but if you park away from the houses and are relatively quiet, the locals won't make a big deal of it. At a steady pace, the hike (minus the crater) will take you around 4-5 hours. Make sure to go on a day when it isn't raining and it isn't muddy as that will slow you down. Take water and snacks & be careful where you take your pictures, you don't want to go flying down a waterfall. Mosquito repellent is also a great idea. This hike will kick your ass but you'll feel so good after. me #gettingworkdone climbing up our fifth waterfall waterfall #1 waterfall #2
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6/29/2016 0 Comments #NAKEDME“When I was around fourteen or fifteen, my grandma on my mom’s side passed away, And I remember after hearing the news that I was very unphased, Like everyone was sad; I sensed it...it was a heaviness, But I just accepted that she's gone. When it came time for her funeral, I was asked to give a speech in memory of her and talk about all the things that I’ve shared with her. And I remember walking up to that podium and I couldn’t utter a single word. I just broke down in tears. I couldn’t say anything. Everything was just so overwhelming that I was finally able to let out all the sadness and the impact of what had actually happened. I cried, like raw dry heaving, Just that choking that you get when you’re sobbing and you can't breathe, And it was just that for a good ten to fifteen minutes in front of everyone. I couldn't move either. I tried so many times to get part of my speech out, but I couldn't even say the first sentence. My dad finally came up and pulled me to the side so the next person could speak.” “During my typography class I was having a really tough time figuring out how to do this project, Which was basically explaining an oxymoron through typography and design. My oxymoron was ‘virtual reality’ and it took about two weeks and several rough drafts for me to complete, Most of the time not knowing whether or not I could pull off my idea and if it would work. I managed to create something that I think was a significant milestone in my design career." “I am ashamed of how quickly I get … I don’t know what the right word is, but I guess frustrated or angry, Just really genuinely and unreasonably pissed off at people if I’m tired. There’s been several occasions where I wake up from a nap and I’m unreasonably grouchy, And I get that I’ve just woken up and I can’t handle a lot of information cause i’m groggy, But it's not a reasonable excuse to be that aggressive towards other people. It just happens so often." “When I present something that I've made or created I feel extremely naked and vulnerable. In my arts & christianity class, we had to do an exercise where we had to bring in a piece of music that symbolized creative expression, And the song I chose was ‘Ocean Floors’ by Headphone Activist. It ended up basically being me standing up in a room full of twenty people, Watching them as I played my song. And it was so vulnerable. I was just nervously smiling and trying to look anywhere, except at the people who were listening intently. I kinda just wanted to hide.” “I guess one of my fears is not living up to my expectations of myself. Just not being exactly who I want to be or just failing in general. That’s a big fear of mine. Cause not only am I disappointed in myself, But I’m also disappointing others who put a lot of faith in me.” “I’m so proud of my legs. They are a source of strength that I have developed throughout my life, By moving around and exploring and dancing. And it’s my legs that carry me throughout my life and I’m really proud of where they’ve taken me, And all the shit that we’ve been through together. It’s my legs that have helped me to arrive where I am today, And it’s my legs that will continue to push me forward no matter where I go.” “Part of me loves how attached I get to people, And that sounds bad, But what I mean is that once I start getting to know someone, I really get inspired by who they are and what they do. I find things about that person that really provoke me to become a better human being, which can mean so many different things. I guess i just love that with each encounter that I have with different people, I'm able to experience something that makes me feel like I'm real, And makes me feel all kinds of emotions. And then I'm able to share that and grow from it, because of how attached I have become to that person. For example, there was this girl who I didn't exactly get along with in the beginning. We started talking more and getting to know each other, And I'm still not sure whether or not I would call her my friend, But I'm glad that I was able to develop this interest in her and how she thinks and what kinds of passions she has. Now I can say to her, 'Thank you for sharing a part of who you are with me.'” “I'm really insecure about playing piano in front of people. I'm not Mozart or Chopin, But I've been practicing for a good four years, And whenever my family or even close friends would ask to hear, I would be very adamant and I would just refuse them. I guess it's more of a confidence thing. I didn't want to play something for them that I thought was so elementary compared to what I hear other people play. I'd be playing some version of 'My Bonnie' instead of something that could evoke emotion. I just get so embarassed and insecure about showing something that I'm not 100% confident in or sure of." “Most people don’t know that I'm adopted.
And it’s not that I'm ashamed to be adopted. I'm quite thankful for the life that my birth parents gave to me by putting me up for adoption. I didn't understand the gravity of the situation when I was adopted, And I ended up hurting some feelings when I was little, But now that I'm an adult, I understand what it means to be adopted and what it means to be an adopted child living in Hawaii: That's a fated privilege I guess. Out of all of the possibilities of how my life could have turned out, It turned out to be a very fortunate and blessed one.” 6/27/2016 0 Comments adulting is hardEveryone jokes about "adulting," which seems to be a term that attempts to describe the rocky pathway from teen years to the real world. This adulting phase basically takes your seatbelt off and throws you into an unfamiliar universe with a not-so-comforting affirmation of "you'll be okay" and maybe even "it's just a part of growing up." People in our generation are characterized as arrogant, self-righteous, and especially lazy, and it seems that when it comes to "adulting," we accept these insulting stereotypes and give up in a sense. Yes, adulting is hard, but part of the battle is the preconception that it's going to be hard. Anticipation is KILLER and part of our issue with becoming adults is that we expect it to be difficult and expect ourselves to be overwhelmed. While it's important to be humble and know our limits, it's also important to know that things like making our own doctor's appointments or googling how to ship a car to your new apartment won't kill you. In fact, none of these one adulting challenges will. Will it be difficult to motivate yourself to assemble a sort-of salad the night before work when you could be spending it gaping over the last episode of Jessica Jones? HELL YES. But it's not impossible and it won't kill you to do it. As I get older, I can trick myself into believing that I have no free time, that all I do is work, and that the summer is disappearing before my eyes with nothing being accomplished besides 5 lesson plans a week. Again, mindset is everything. A big part of adulting is remembering to be a child. Growing up makes me think of getting taller, bigger, stronger, and smarter & how could you possibly do that by throwing away the lessons & games you learned as a child? At the end of the day, what matters is effort. This can be so hard for many of us, who are so preoccupied with presenting ourselves to the world as hardworking individuals, trying to find enough value in ourselves through tiring work so that we can get some sort of affirmation from our parents and society that we're doing okay and doing what we're supposed to be doing. But that pressure to get all As, to do IB, to join every club, to lose 10 pounds, to have a boyfriend, to work year round, etc. etc., many times comes from ourselves instead of others. I work with kindergarteners ages five to six and usually have to look after 20-28 by myself for a full day. I've never done this before. I'm not a superhero. Children are notorious for being unable to sit down, cut their own construction paper, or walk to the bathroom by themselves. I am starting to learn that no matter how much planning, prepping, and praying I do, I will never be perfect and neither will my kids. It's the effort that counts. And I am trying to remind myself that I've never had a full-time job before and there are so many things that I am doing for the first time as an adult. Yes, adulting is tough, but so is my skin, and I think that realization by itself will save me.
6/23/2016 0 Comments angry poetry is cathartic6.19.16
you laughed when i complained about assholes not using their blinkers and yet, you swerved into my life with no warning, recklessly disregarding stop signs & bloody red lights some role model you are -af 6/23/2016 0 Comments new poem up!we’ve known each other for so long that when you touch me,
the goosebumps on my arms wake up like they’re saying hello to an old friend. it’s like going to you is a regular doctor’s appointment where you shoot me up with your kisses & i transform from mr jekyll to dr. hyde my friends and parents notice they ask me if i’m high again. do you want to know something funny? my mom thinks you’re out of my league i think you can fly & i can lift a car over my head (leagues don’t exist) you are > than a friend to me & i don’t want you to worry about what i said about jumping from his arms to yours it’s not like that it’s not like that (& this is not a lie i’m telling myself) i know you’re leaving but i know you won’t forget me because the times i slapped you with a goodbye and tried to heal it with a HJ are still glued in your memory just like they are in mine Here is what i think of you: Five “good morning beautiful” texts Ten wet muddy slimy fingers The same ten fingers drawing roads in my hair Three “is this okay”s Two knocks on a door One arm wrapped around my shoulder One drive to a dream house in the night One beach-bleached head; one ambiguous mess of waves One night that pulled me in; one kiss that drove me deeper One boy; one girl, just the Two (of us.) Tell me, Do you still want me? 5/17/2016 0 Comments #NAKEDME“Back when I got my Eagle Scout I was pretty happy. It’s a long process and it’s basically six years that build up to one project and one moment, And to know that I accomplished that challenge to the best of my ability and made a positive impact felt really nice. It was good to finally have a pay off. And then I was able to march in the 2014 Rose Parade. It’s just one of those things that you never forget." “Most people don’t know this about me but I am a triplet.” “At the beginning of my freshman year I had trouble developing a solid friend group. I felt like I was kind of just on my own a little bit, And it just took me a while to find people that I naturally clicked with. I didn’t want to force myself to be anything that I wasn't, And I wanted to find a group that I could be myself with, Instead of putting a mask on and being someone that they wanted me to be.” “I'm really stepping out of my comfort zone with this project. I'm not usually one to express my emotions and inner thoughts and be vulnerable, But I think you need to step out of your comfort zone in order to grow. I’m not sure if I'm scared of feeling weak, Or if the scary part of being vulnerable is something that I don’t want to face.” “I fear spiders. I hate spiders. Also I am afraid that I’m going to perceived as someone who doesn't know what he's doing, Like a waste of time and space.” “I’m proud of my determination and willingness to always learn and grow. I recognize that I'm far from my greatest potential or peak of my abilities, And that there’s always room to learn and improve upon myself. I'm also proud of the fact that I make the conscious effort to always try to be there for others. I like to make sure that people that are close to me are doing well, And I try to be there to brighten their day. I like to see them smile. I like to be as much of a day brightener as possible.” “I’m ashamed of how I sometimes perceive myself, Like how I perceive my body and how I look. Sometimes I feel overlooked but a lot of it is just in my head, Like I'll think to myself 'Oh I don’t look good enough,' or I'll think I don't fit the part, And I shouldn’t do that to myself. I should just be confident and be who I am. I'm just trying to think less about what others think." “'You never know until you try' is a motto that I try to live by. Also, 'everything happens for a reason.' I believe that you just have to make the most of everything that happens. You don’t judge a man’s character by how he’s knocked down but by how he picks himself up and responds to the situation.” “I dislike my lack of confidence sometimes and the pressure that I add to myself.” “I love my family and I love my friends.
I love what the future has in store for me. It’s kind of a mystery and an adventure and it’s cool and exciting. I love what has happened to me because it’s kind of shaped who I am today.” 5/16/2016 0 Comments #NAKEDME“One of the happiest times I had was when I went to Tahiti over spring break. On our last day there my mom took us on a boat excursion to swim with sharks and stingrays, And I thought I would be really scared, But when I got in the water it was so calming and I felt totally at peace. Something that I thought was scary or terrifying was actually one of the happiest moments in my life.” “This past week my dog that I had for 14 years passed away. I had her since I was six and my mom got her for me because I’m an only child, So my dog kind of became my sibling. She was a huge part of my life even though she was tiny and a dog haha, But losing her was really hard, it was like losing a child or a sibling.” “The last time I felt really exposed was in my last relationship. I’ve always been afraid of letting my guard down. It’s scary to feel vulnerable and out there but he encouraged me to do that, Because it’s healthy to feel vulnerable and be honest with yourself and people that are important to you. So yeah I just completely opened up to this person And it was honestly a huge learning lesson to me in who I am and what I value and what I’m passionate about." "This year I realized that I am so proud of the different nationalities that I’m made up of and how I identify myself as a person through that. I am Hawaiian, Japanese, Filipino, Korean, Portuguese, German, English, Dutch, and French. Being away from home has made me so much more proud of being Hawaiian, And I’m sad that I took that for granted when I was home. You don’t realize how important that is when you’re there, But being here it’s helped me to identify myself more with different people, And connect more with others cause we have that same common background" “I’m ashamed of not being fully confident when I don’t wear makeup. Like I’m not the type of person who will take 2 hours to get ready in the morning and put a full face on, But I have to put on at least mascara and do my eyebrows and put on lipgloss and have my hair somewhat done, And I feel like you’re not fully able to appreciate yourself or love yourself, If you can’t accept what you look like w/o makeup or w/o your hair done. So I’ve been trying to work on that but it’s hard because I feel exposed and I don’t like that.” “I get really irritated and angry when people underestimate my strength. Because of my appearances people will tell me you’re so cute you’re not powerful as a woman, And it’s just so crazy that people think like that. In one of my jobs I have to answer phones and multiple times people have asked me if I'm qualified because I have a high voice, Or they'll ask to talk to my supervisor. And I get offended by that because it's very degrading. People shouldn't question my level of expertise just because I sound younger or look younger or am a woman. People judge your experience on things based off of what they hear or what they see. I just don’t like it when people don’t take me seriously." “One of my favorite authors is Anthony Bourdain. I have all of his books. I don’t know a lot about the culinary world, But I love his sarcasm and his wittiness and I admire a sinsister type of writing. I've always wanted to write like that." “I'm scared of dying alone, Like just being in that situation where I know I’m going to die and not having anyone around me. That’s a pretty scary thought. My other fear is my biggest fear cause it's inevitable, But I am so afraid of the day that both of my parents are gone, Because I am so close with them and they are literally everything to me. Just being able to mvoe forward after that is a very scary thought." “I wish that I wouldn’t compare myself so much to other people. I wish that I could be careless and do my own thing and be proud of what I do, But I’m always comparing myself to friends, colleagues, classmates, family, and even people I don't know, And that comes in conflict with me doing what I'm doing. It's toxic." “I’ve been planning my next tattoo since my cross country road trip last year. Pretty much everywhere we drove, there were always these fields of wild flowers, And it was so beautiful because it was in the middle of nowhere, And here were these vibrant and crazy flowers. So I want to get a bouquet of wildflowers from places that I am fond of, Like a California poppy and something from Hawaii, And I want it to be tied with a string so that it's a reminder, Like how you tie a string on your finger so you never forget something. I never want to forget to grow free and wild and to find beauty in unexpected places. On top of that I want to get honeybees surrounding the bouquet because my mom and I are obsessed with honeybees.” "I love my ability to feel everything I experience deeply and fully.
It's both a blessing and a curse, but I've learned to love it and appreciate it so much, Because everything in my life is vivid. Feeling everything down to my core and my soul is something that I wouldn't trade for anything!" 5/13/2016 0 Comments #NAKEDME“My boyfriend took me to Disneyland for our one-year anniversary, And I never got to go when I was younger, And it was so nice to go when you’re an adult because you can actually remember what happens. I also just love spending time with my boyfriend because he came into my life at a time When I was wondering if I was actually deserving of love, So I was really blessed to meet him. Also he held my hand on all the rides and that was awesome." “When I was a junior in high school both of my grandparents on my mom's side passed away. They were the glue that held everyone together, So when they weren't there our family started to drift apart, We didn't see each other as much and that was tough for me. My grades suffered and my friends were concerned about me, But they talked to guidance counselors about it instead of talking to me. When I got called in, I thought I was in trouble and I was so embarassed because I didn't really tell a lot of people what happened.” “I'm so proud of myself for pushing through this year. I had an internship and two leadership positions and a senior capstone, So it was a huge growing up process because there were some days that I was gone for 12 hours. I did more growing up this semester than I did my entire college career.” “I didn’t really realize how privileged I actually was when I was growing up. My mom was the sole breadwinner for our family and we relied on her paycheck, And I just didn’t realize my parents were trying so hard to give me a good life, And I wish that I would have appreciated them more. When I was growing up I was mad at my parents for not giving me what eveyrone else had, And I’m still mad at myself for not appreciating for what they were able to do for me." "A defining moment for me was starting college. For a while I thought that college was going to be a wondrous escape, But I had to grow up really fast due to issues of feeling lonely and problems with roommates. I was forced to get to know myself because I realized I didn't know myself as well as I thought I did." "I’m really proud of my writing ability. I write about difficult issues that people just don’t talk about. The story I got an award for was about child abuse so I write dark pieces, Which most people purposefully stray away from. I've definitely seen myself grow as a writer at my time at Chapman.” “I kind of don’t like my body sometimes specifically my lower half. I’m ashamed of my legs even though they’re really long, And I feel uncomfortable wearing short shorts. But I’ve been working out more so I feel more empowered, But there are still days when I look in the mirror and say 'ew.' When I was a sophomore in high school, I started training in ballet seriously, And I was placed in classes with prepubescent girls because I was late, And I felt awkward and fat in front of them because I had breasts and hips, And even though I was three or four years older than them, I was very aware of the fact that I looked different than them." "I'm afraid of loneliness. In high school I didn’t feel like I had any solid friends and that was really tough for me. I felt like nobody really understood the kind of issues that I was having and the people that were my friends would give me backhanded compliments, So I worry that I’m going to lose people and not be close to anyone at the end of the day." “I want to love myself more.
I mean I’m pretty badass when I think about it. I’ve grown so much as a person and I’m strong because of that and because I’ve gone through so much, And I’m proud of who I've become. Lately a lot of people have been telling me that I’m going to go far after graduation, And now I can feel comfrtable saying 'Yes I will,' And it took me a long time to gain that comfort but now that I do, I feel amazing. Honestly I got in my own way a lot. I am such a perfectionist. If I do one thing wrong, I'll get so down on myself. I would blame myself for a lot of things, But now I’m happy and content knowing that I’m not perfect and that’s okay.” 5/1/2016 2 Comments #NAKEDME“I transferred schools. I went to school in Boston last year and I had never been to California before. I just went with my gut and just did it on a whim, And I had a very rough experience in Boston so I was incredibly anxiety-ridden coming here. I didn't know anyone and I don't open up easily, And everyone had already set their friend groups and known each other for a year since it's a small school, And I was just jumping into it. Ultimately it worked out really well, But those experiences when you go into something headfirst and go off your gut feeling are really naked.” “I’m the biggest nerd in the entire world. I love Star Wars and Harry Potter and I love reading, I actually read books for fun. I am literally so nerdy but I don’t give off that vibe outwardly. I was a math major my freshman year ; I love math, writing, books, and art. I sketch a lot too, but it’s not something I braodcast I guess. I guess that people see my intellectual side through my writing, But they still don't really seem to see the depth of my passions. Like on Saturday nights I read books.” “I was very obsessed with body image in high school. I was very thin and didn't take care of myself, I didn't have a diagnosis but definitely was not mentally treating myself right, And I am ashamed of that because it's emotionally scarring so I didn't fully recover from it. It comes up when I look at pictures and I have to stop myself and say, 'You're not fat, this is how you're built,' But I hate that because it's so hard to escape and is just mentally reoccurring and I have to snap myself out of it a lot.” “My dad had brain cancer. He was diagnosed when I was a freshman in high school, And he was only supposed to live eight months but he lived for two years and passed away when I was sixteen. That was the most defining moment in my life just because it was an experience that most people don't have, And a lot of kids our age even 20s and 30s just look at life with this idealistic view. But I'm kind of in a boat where I have accepted certain realities, And that's made me more accepting of the beauty and people around me, And more conscious that it's limited and that you only get so much time with people and nature. My dad's passing away has made me who I am: good and bad. I'm not happy it happened but looking back I'm sort of glad it happened because it’s taught me so much.” “I love my tattoos. I love expression. Some people regret their tattoos but I’m so proud of mine, Like when people notice them, it touches my heart, And it always feels like I'm wearing myself on my sleeve. I got my first tattoo when I was sixteen. It's a brain cancer ribbon with flowers on it, And I got it as a symbol of what I've been through. The flowers are pink and blue, which are my dad and I's favorite colors. My second tattoo is on my ribcage and is my dad’s handwriting that says, 'I love you -popa' During that time I was struggling, And I wanted to feel like I was carrying him with me always, So I got that tattoo close to my heart. I got the tattoo on my back last summer and it's of nine crows. They represent my family since it's my six siblings, me, my mom, and my dad. The top bird is faded and in blue ink and its wings are the only ones fully spread. I call this one the flight of life. I chose crows because a lot of people associate them with death and negative things, But they are actually extremely intelligent and scavengers so they make do with what they have. My tattoo on my arm means 'Travel the earth onward forever.' It's in hieroglyphics so the line means travel, The bottom is earth, The elipses are representaiton of infinity, And I chose to put onward in type because that's my favorite word in the entire English language. I imagine people on a trek and they'll say 'Onward!' And we're just always moving, Wherever we are in life, we continue to move onward. Traveling is a reminder that there is so much out there, And that it's stupid to get caught up in some stupid guy or homework. There’s so much out there and there's so much onward.” “I’m really scared of ending up alone. I'll always say I don't need a man but I have so much love to give in that way, And I'm scared that I'll never be able to give that love to someone, Like it's there and I don't know what to do with it and that's one of my biggest fears." “I’m very proud of who I’ve become through adversity.
I was never sure of myself growing up. I always second guessed myself and was always the person who walked down a hallway with my head down, But as I've grown up I've developed a 'I don't give a shit' attitude, And I think that's something to be proud of, Because it takes a while for most people to get there, And some people never get there. It can get me into trouble sometimes but I like holding my head high.” |