10/31/2015 0 Comments The Journey of Taking My Life BackA few weeks ago, I lost someone who was a big part of my life. I also lost the structure and routine that I had created. I had spent so much time and placed so much effort into this relationship, that with him gone, I had a gaping hole in my stomach. And I needed to fill it...quickly. I took down photos and erased messages, deleting his existence from my life. But then I was left with more holes and my search for something fulfilling and concrete was turning up zilch. I tried to turn to friends (amazing, supportive, beautiful friends) but sadly they alone weren't enough. So I just started filling my days with meaningless tasks and hopping around from one activity to another, hoping to exhaust myself and create a distraction from the still-existing hole in my life. But it didn't work. All it did was make me tired and grumpy, wanting to go to bed at 6pm. The days seemed to go by slowly and I found myself waiting for it to be a reasonable time to say goodnight to the world. After some bad nights, I finally came to the conclusion that I had to stop looking outside and look to myself. I started creating a new structure, a new routine, and a new plan for a journey back to myself. I started waking up before 9am every day, even on the weekends. I decided to start my day with actually eating breakfast instead of nibbling on a protein bar. I would then write down 5 things I was grateful for in order to create a positive start to my day and I would put away my phone for the first hour of the morning. After all, those people could wait. I finally realized that I am the most important person to myself. I started to do what I realized I had wanted to do all along. I began projects that I never followed-up on (like this blog). I placed myself in new situations, pushing the boundaries of life and myself. I spent time with new people, people who were aching for life and painting their identities. I started to exercise more; I went back to church and found hope and courage in God. I took time to read the Bible, free write, cook for myself, and journal every day. I was slowly coming back to myself...or maybe even recreating myself. In addition to looking to other people to inspire me, I decided to give myself that responsibility as well. What makes me not worthy of admiration? Nothing. And there is no need to be ashamed of that as well. I am PROUD of who I am today and what I have come from. I can truly say that I love my life right now. Sure, not every day is good, and sometimes my routine habits can get a little boring, dry, or just tiring. But my routine is a structure and structures allow for fluidity. I completely and entirely expect to screw up, and that's what makes life so much better now.
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