1/31/2016 1 Comment Looking Back on JanuaryThe first month of the year. The time that New Year's resolutions reign and gyms are overpopulated. Being the productive and self-motivational person that I am, I welcome the idea of improving myself and taking on new challenges with open arms. I like to think of my mind, body, and spirit as machines that I must continue to oil and clean regularly. Last year, my New Year's resolution was not to touch lips (or any other body parts) with a boy until he took me on a date. It was easy to remember...but not easy to accommodate. Trapped in the college hookup culture where most of the boys who talk to you are located at crowded house parties, it was hard to find anyone who was willing to take the time to learn more than my first name. This year, I decided to try something even easier. I decided to floss. I know this sounds pretty ridiculous, but I would bet that most people (dentists and their children excluded) floss on an average of 5-10 times a year...or maybe even less! Looking back at this past month, choosing to make a conscious effort to floss every night was a good decision. Granted, that could be difficult when I arrived back from a party at 3 in the morning and couldn't walk straight, let alone find a box of floss on my bathroom counter. But I did well, and hopefully will continue to do so for these next 11 months. January has been a period of growth, transition, and a fuckload of confusion. I got my first tattoo and was privileged enough to deal with the paparazzi (good and bad) that came with that. I took a Junior-level course (note: I am NOT a junior), which planted me on my ass and demanded 12 pages on the hegemony of White Savior Teacher Films as portrayed in the media. During this month, I struggled/am struggling with finances as I got accepted into a study abroad program (YAY!) which happens to be located in one of the most expensive cities in the world (not yay). I was also working 5 days a week, racking up almost 20 hours a week, which forced me to spend most of my nights detoxing on Netflix instead of spending time with friends. If that wasn't enough stress, I was "playing the field" AKA exploring those tasty fish in the sea. I am not one for flings or casual dating, never have been. That being said, I had been overtaken by a wave of "fuck it" inspired by watching Jim Carey's movie Yes Man. I wanted to live life and take in all the opportunities offered to me, even if some of those opportunities had extremely hairy legs and patted me on the head like a dog. I was losing myself. Caught up in the hustle and bustle of school, work, and a social life, spending most days working my ass off, Friday nights drinking to reward myself, and Saturdays and Sundays feeling the after effects of what seemed to be fun earlier. I was mad at myself. What was I doing with my life? Where was my future headed? Was I making this year any better than the last? "New Year, New Me" did not seem to be that applicable to my life. I couldn't write. The words wouldn't come to me, as if they were punishing me for all the bad things I had done recently. I couldn't find the energy to read or cook or do the things that had made me proud of myself in the earlier months. I didn't recognize myself. I talked to friends, desperately asking them for prayer and guidance as my feet were tired of walking on broken ground. Then slowly (VERY slowly), life rushed back into me, like the blood rushing into a girl's cheeks when she sees her crush. My parents endured long phone calls with me, encouraging me and loving me from miles away. My friends stayed in with me and we spent hours talking and discussing the people we used to be and if those people were that different from the people we are now. God brought me back to church, leading me into leadership positions in bible studies and prayer teams. I felt like I was waking up from a month-long slumber. I was coming back to life. So these 29 days have been full and empty, easy and hard, motivational and lazy. They were spent flossing and drinking, eating dull cafeteria food and playing games with passive-aggressive ex-boyfriends. These 29 days happened, although I wish some of them didn't, and although I wish I could constantly replay some in my head with a battery that would never die. This month taught me a lot about myself and reaffirmed that old saying that we all have good and evil in us and that we're bound to screw up and do the wrong thing sometimes. But I also learned that punishing myself for my mistakes is as unproductive as making those mistakes. And so I go into February loving myself, flaws and all.
1 Comment
William
1/31/2016 07:46:43 pm
This was very inspirational to me, it caught my attention and I wanted to to read on about how you conquered your struggles, I also like how this can be relatable to a lot of people in their own way, I hope February is awesome for you. Stay strong and don't forget to floss:)
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